When grownups speed down the freeway, they know ahead of time what the consequence is going to be when they get caught, based on the number of times they have been caught. Children deserve the same sense of environmental control, discipline, and predictability for their own misbehavior.
However, too often family rules and consequences are unclear. This dynamic is further exacerbated by day-in and day-out challenges that make being consistent in parenting difficult. For example, when parents are stressed, they are more likely to become overly frustrated and be more punitive in their doling out of consequences. On the other hand, when parents are overly tired, they may let the misbehavior go all together. By creating a Parenting Plan (a list of rules and consequences) ahead of time, parents can avoid these pitfalls and children can gain a sense of structure (and strength) within the family system.
Advantages of a Parenting Plan
- A Parenting Plan can be used in both single-parent and two-parent families.
- A Parenting Plan is ideal for blended families. By creating “house” rules (instead of rules and consequences associated with a specific parent or step-parent) the power struggle between children and a step-parent if often minimized. With a Parenting Plan, the step-parent no longer has to be the “bad guy.”
- Over time, your children will help you stay consistent as they will “remind” you of the consequences for their siblings behavior. As long as they are appropriate in doing so, allow this as it will promote a sense of accountability in the family system.So how does one create a parenting plan?
List Household Rules
Make a list of household rules. Write your rules down in broad terms. For example, instead of creating two different rules such as “no eye rolling when Mom and Dad are talking” and “no talking back to adults” word the rule as “No disrespectful behavior toward adults.” For best results, consider the following things in creating your family rules:
- List the specific problem behaviors of your children (then, as previously mentioned, lump them into broader categories).
- Cover the age range of your children, and take them all into account (do not forget the well-behaved child either).
- Keep in mind the type of character traits you are trying to instill in them (e.g. honesty, a work ethic, kindness, etc.).
List Consequences
Make a list of possible consequences. Here are a few examples:
- Time Out: 1 minute for each year, per incident (e.g. an 8 year old would have an 8 minute time out per incident).
- Single loss of privilege: No TV, game system, toy, etc. for a period of 30 minutes to 1-4 weeks.
- Total loss of privilege: Nothing but homework and reading for a period of 30 minutes up to 3 days to include a weekend.
- Special Assignment: An extra chore, service project for a family member who has been wronged, or a character building exercise such as writing sentences.
Match Consequences to Each Rule
Match the consequences to the rules and include a range of consequences for each rule. For example, next to the rule “No disrespect toward adults” one might describe the consequence as ranging from “A single loss of privilege for 1 hour, to a total loss of privilege for 6 hours." The range empowers the parent to consequence a child who boldly curses in his/her face more harshly than the child who simply rolls his eyes because he does not want to take the trash out.
Finalize and Post Your Parenting Plan
Create your Parenting Plan (in Word, on a spreadsheet, on a poster board, etc.) and post in a place accessible for children and parents.
Remember that creating a Parenting Plan can be a bit of a trial and error process. Give yourself permission to revise the plan as you go in order to best fit your specific family needs.
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