Democratic Parenting
Using Family Discussions to Resolve Everyday Concerns
Dialogue works to resolve conflict. This article shows how to empower the children in a family and teach them the value of democratically solving problems.
According to Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish in their book How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk, “[i]f we value our children's dignity, then we need to model the methods that affirm their dignity. If we want to send out into the world young people who respect themselves and respect others, then we need to begin by respecting them. And we can't do that unless we show respect for what it is they feel.”
Giving children opportunities to practice dialogue in a safe environment using democratic strategies, helps them learn to respect themselves and others.
Harmony at Home
Coming home to a messy house or waking up to a messy kitchen can be one of the irritants that drives a family to conflict. Family discussions offer one way to reduce the conflict – a democratic process that gives everyone in the family from the youngest to oldest a say in how the household operates.
Following the model of discussion established in a self-help group, one family found a path to household harmony without screaming, punishment, or guilt. Once a week they held family discussions as they sat around the dinner table. The rules allowed anyone to bring up a concern and everyone to chime in on their ideas, first about whether it needed to be fixed and second, how to resolve it.
Rules for the Dialogue
Only one person could speak at a time, and the discussion began with the youngest and ended with the oldest member of the family. The parents had the right to veto the solution if it seemed to be unfair or dangerous although they never had to use this.
One evening, nine-year old Chris brought up a concern. “Whenever I bring friends over to the house, I feel embarrassed because I don’t want my friends to see what a mess our house is.” Beginning with five-year old Mary, each person agreed that the messy house was indeed a concern. Then, Mary again began the discussion of how to resolve the problem. By the time the three children had offered their suggestions, a solution was already evident.
They Found a Solution
For the next few weeks, anyone who saw something out of place would pick it up and place it neatly on the owner’s bed. Then the person who picked up the article would place a mark under the owner’s name on a chart on the refrigerator. At the end of the week, the marks would be tallied and those who had marks under their names would pay five cents for each mark. Those who had no marks under their name would share the nickels.
Satisfying Results without Punishment or Lectures
After two weeks, it became evident that two people in the family, the father and the oldest daughter, accumulated the marks and the other three people in the family, Mary, Chris and the mother split up the nickels. Quickly the house acquired a neat appearance as they all saw how easy it was to put their own possessions away.
Having family discussions allowed everyone in the family to have a voice and oftentimes the children’s suggestions involved more fairness and creativity than those of the parents. Today those children have their own families and rules, and the messy house remains only a memory due to the democratic strategies they learned.
Reference
Faber, Adele and Elaine Mazlish. How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk. New York: Avon, 1991.
