Time-in is the new time-out. Parents and caregivers seeking positive and compassionate alternatives to harsher forms of discipline are turning from time-outs to time-ins.
As were time-outs before them, time-ins are promoted as a more effective tool for managing the undesired behaviors of young children. Both methods claim to help children calm down in the face of difficult situations, but what makes time-in different from time-out?
What Makes Time-In Different From Time-Out?
Time-In
The adult invites the child to the time-in place. (However, a child who has lost control and presents a danger to others may need help getting to the time-in place.)
Time-in is time together. It promotes a cooperative partnership between adult and child, during which communication remains open.
Time-in focuses on regaining peace between all concerned, rather than on right or wrong. It assumes that the undesired behavior feels unpleasant enough in itself without adding to that pain.
Time-in is time to regain connection, balance, centeredness, and mutual well-being.
Time-in shows the adult's willingness to help the child. It shows that the adult's ultimate love and care of the child are unconditional and unphased by any undesired behavior.
Time-in is about feeling good. Children are invited to time-in as a positive reinforcement of the adult and child's caring relationship.
Time-Out
The parent forces the child to the time-out place.
Time-out is time apart. The child is isolated. The adult withdraws attention from the child.
Time-out is punitive. There is a shame element.
Time-out focuses on right and wrong.
Time-out withholds attention (and love, as perceived by the child). It shows that the adult's love and care of the child is conditional.
Time-out is about feeling bad. Children are put in time-out as a negative reinforcement of undesired behavior.
Young children regard themselves through the eyes of their caregivers. Giving time-in in response to unwanted behavior shows the child that the adult's love and care of the child is unshakable. It shows the child that the adult wants to help the child feel better.
Time-outs, on the other hand, perhaps especially those given names such as the "naughty chair," carry the potential to damage the relationship between adult and child and to negatively affect the child's self-esteem. A child with poor self-esteem, who feels unsupported or unloved, is less likely to practice mutually desirable behavior in the long term than one who feels secure in his or her self and relationship to caregivers.
Parents and caregivers practicing time-in together with children help those children develop emotional intelligence, relationship skills, increased self-awareness and self-determination, and positive self-esteem. These practices promote long-term success in maintaining and regaining balance in the face of difficult situations. Time-ins provide a more effective long-term solution to stopping undesired behavior by providing children with the skills they need to solve their problems and to work together with others toward collective well-being.
For more information on time-ins, see Scott Noelle's four-part series beginning with Time-In.
The copyright of the article Time-In Versus Time-Out in Peaceful Parenting is owned by Sara McGrath. Permission to republish Time-In Versus Time-Out in print or online must be granted by the author in writing.
But with his method, don´t you end up teaching your child that if they
misbehave that they get more attention from the parent so when life gets
busy they use misbehavior to get the attention that they crave? I
personally think that time out can be misused and be scarring to the child
if used improperly but sometimes you have to take attention away when they
do things that are wrong so the behavior is not reinforced.
Sep 24, 2008 4:32 PM
Sara McGrath :
I remember doing things to get my mother's attention when I didn't know how
else to communicate my need.
If a parent's life gets so busy
that the child uses undesirable behavior to get the parent's attention, I
think the parent could take the child's attempt as a sign to slow down an
focus on what matters most.
Children need their parents'
attention. "Misbehavior" doesn't feel any better to the child
than to the parent. I don't believe that responding to the child's need
would necessarily elicit more undesirable behavior.
In my
experience with my own children, when I slow down and attend to my
children, this reinforces that I care about their needs and I see less
undesirable behavior from them.
Oct 17, 2008 9:58 AM
Guest :
Have we completely forgotten that the positive value of discipline is
teaching children that there are consequences for bad behaviour? Is this
how we teach our children respect for law and order, by giving them hugs
when they misbehave? All discipline should be given in a level-headed
manner, but must include positive and negative in order to be effective.
Misuse of too much love can be as devastating for a child as physical
abuse. Lastly, let us remember always, that our duty as parents is
not to raise "children" but to raise them to be adults.
Oct 17, 2008 1:57 PM
Sara McGrath :
An adult who would create a time-in connection with a child does so to show
the child unconditional love, regardless of "bad" behavior or
otherwise acting out to show a need or communicate emotions. This adult
doesn't hug the child for the undesirable behavior, but rather comforts the
pain the child expressed and works with the child cooperatively to get back
to a place where the child no longer feels bad enough to act out. Everyone
wants to feel good.
I can't imagine "too much love"
being harmful or respect being taught through disrespecting the child's
attempts to communicate his or her feelings, which how I perceive the
practice of time-out.
I don't believe that punitive discipline
is effective in the long term or in more than a superficial way in the
short term. The punished child may appear to "behave," but it
doesn't feel good and it isn't internally motivated. It's done under threat
of harm or threat of love withdrawal. This child doesn't feel respected or
cared about and doesn't learn to respect others.
Oct 21, 2008 12:29 AM
Vivienne May Ball :
Good article. I hadn't heard of time in before but it sounds a good idea.
So many children are calling out for love and acceptance and bad behaviour
usually has some reason for it. Why is it that in many areas in the
Western world people want to be harsh with their children?
Keep
up the good writing. Vivienne Ball
Dec 3, 2008 9:26 AM
Guest :
anyone who has taken a basic psychology class should understand why time
outs do not work.
punishments do not work - ever. you are not
causing someone to do something less, instead you teach them to avoid the
punishment. think about it before you assume that too much love is bad.
May 16, 2009 9:58 PM
Guest :
anyone who has taken a basic psychology class would ALSO know that time out
is not punishment. it is negative reinforcement. i personally feel
that both time out and time in methods can be used effectively. if a
child is giving the impression that they need comfort, and will willingly
come sit with the parent, i would use time in. but if they are hitting and
resisting, time out would be my choice. for time out, explain what they've
done wrong, put them in the chair and wait a few minutes (varies based on
age) until they've decided they want to cooperate. then go to them, make
sure they understand what they did, the give them hugs and kisses! as long
as time out ends with the child understanding why they were sent there, and
are shown lots of love once they've calmed down, i think it's a perfectly
reasonable form of discipline.
May 16, 2009 10:13 PM
Sara McGrath :
In my view, punishment and negative reinforcement are one and the same.
Punishment attempts to attach punitive value to a behavior. In other words,
negative reinforcement.
When a child expresses a feeling by
reacting with an undesirable behavior, and an adult puts the child in
time-out, telling the child the behavior is "wrong," the child
will likely interpret this to mean that the feeling is wrong.
The time-in approach would have the adult assure the child that his or
her feeling is recognized and understood, but that the behavior was
undesirable to others.
Jun 3, 2009 2:02 PM
Guest :
Wow Sara, you must have a LOT of time on your hands. You can honestly tell
us all that there has never been a situation where your attention MUST be
focused elsewhere, and your child must be expected to maintain their good
sense for the moments you must focus on something else? Do you have a
live-in maid? Do you have only one child? You must not have a job outside
the house either.
But I suppose the rest of us parents who have
to focus on, oh, say dinner burning on the stove, or cleaning the butt of
another child, or any of the other things we're required to do to maintain
a house are just neglectful child abusers?
If my toddler decides
that I've spent a little too much time cleaning the puke off the floor
before the dog and baby slide through it, and he chooses to hit his brother
or break a lamp to get my attention, you think I should stop what I'm
doing, leave the baby to do God knows what, and focus all my attention on
my toddler? So then he can learn that anytime he wants his way, he should
just do something bad? Brilliant plan.
I'm personally so sick
and tired of hearing all the ways I'm going to "damage" my child
and cause them "low-self-esteem" when all I do -- all any of us
do -- is the very best we possibly can.
Signed: The natural
birthing, breastfeeding, baby wearing, cloth diapering, sometimes
cosleeping, loving parent who chooses to discipline my child.
Jun 4, 2009 11:17 AM
Sara McGrath :
To put my parenting situation into perspective: I have three children
between the ages of 8 months and 6 yrs old; I work from home; the kids and
I do our own maid work. I have all the time anyone has - 24 hours in a day,
a life time. I purposely look for ways to make life happy for me and each
of my children. Sometimes that takes some creativity, such as when two
needs seem to be vying for instant gratification. But I think it's worth it
to reach for more than just getting by, just coping with all the
responsibilities of life. I keep my heart wide open throughout it all. That
is my best.
