Time-In Versus Time-Out
A Positive and Compassionate Alternative to Punishment
As were time-outs before them, time-ins are promoted as a more effective tool for managing the undesired behaviors of young children. Both methods claim to help children calm down in the face of difficult situations, but what makes time-in different from time-out?
What Makes Time-In Different From Time-Out?
Time-In
- The adult invites the child to the time-in place. (However, a child who has lost control and presents a danger to others may need help getting to the time-in place.)
- Time-in is time together. It promotes a cooperative partnership between adult and child, during which communication remains open.
- Time-in focuses on regaining peace between all concerned, rather than on right or wrong. It assumes that the undesired behavior feels unpleasant enough in itself without adding to that pain.
- Time-in is time to regain connection, balance, centeredness, and mutual well-being.
- Time-in shows the adult's willingness to help the child. It shows that the adult's ultimate love and care of the child are unconditional and unphased by any undesired behavior.
- Time-in is about feeling good. Children are invited to time-in as a positive reinforcement of the adult and child's caring relationship.
Time-Out
- The parent forces the child to the time-out place.
- Time-out is time apart. The child is isolated. The adult withdraws attention from the child.
- Time-out is punitive. There is a shame element.
- Time-out focuses on right and wrong.
- Time-out withholds attention (and love, as perceived by the child). It shows that the adult's love and care of the child is conditional.
- Time-out is about feeling bad. Children are put in time-out as a negative reinforcement of undesired behavior.
Young children regard themselves through the eyes of their caregivers. Giving time-in in response to unwanted behavior shows the child that the adult's love and care of the child is unshakable. It shows the child that the adult wants to help the child feel better.
Time-outs, on the other hand, perhaps especially those given names such as the "naughty chair," carry the potential to damage the relationship between adult and child and to negatively affect the child's self-esteem. A child with poor self-esteem, who feels unsupported or unloved, is less likely to practice mutually desirable behavior in the long term than one who feels secure in his or her self and relationship to caregivers.
Parents and caregivers practicing time-in together with children help those children develop emotional intelligence, relationship skills, increased self-awareness and self-determination, and positive self-esteem. These practices promote long-term success in maintaining and regaining balance in the face of difficult situations. Time-ins provide a more effective long-term solution to stopping undesired behavior by providing children with the skills they need to solve their problems and to work together with others toward collective well-being.
For more information on time-ins, see Scott Noelle's four-part series beginning with Time-In.
